Friday, July 3, 2009

The Dance

I am a terrible dancer for the most part. I like to lead. I do not really have to know the steps and most often make them up as I go. This is my battle with Christ. I so desperately want to dance with Him, and in about 5 seconds I am trying to lead Him around the room. I might even change the music. He patiently waits as I gyrate out of sync. The rhythm is off. It is no longer fun and romantic. Joy wains. But I thought I knew what He was planning! I could see his next step! Or was it mine? (Be still, and know that I am GOD.) Safe, forgiven, breathing deeply, I put my arms up again. Teach me to dance with you Oh my Lord. The skill is there, the patience is missing. Always I feel driven to do your will by a time clock.

especially now. My desperation to bring Marina home is mounting out of sync with your plan. The injustice of waiting is like rocket fuel to my angst. The more I must ask for help from outside my "christian" circle the more I realize the world can be so hateful and ugly. And I am brought back to Esther. She waited even the one extra day when the rest of us would have crooked our fingers at the enemy and cackled like the hens we are. I hate to ask this because I am sure it will hurt. But I really do want to be patient and peace filled. I want to believe you are Good. Caylyn is in heaven and that is good! I know she is happy and totally ok. I do not believe this at all about Marina. I am afraid she will fall between the cracks and life will drain out of her, joyless and full of bad things as memories in a world she will never understand. And I am afraid you will ask me to be a prayer partner only for her. It does not feel like enough. The power of prayer is visually hard to track most days. Especially for someone who is not so patient. And love afar is really hard to share. Do you struggle with that too? I bet you do. Help her. Help us. Love us from afar! And yet I find that you are right here, struggling to teach a bull how to dance.
Oh God, you are God and I am not. Please take the lead. I know this, that You, with a penchant for drama will continue that theme. Orchestrate the biggest waltz to her safe arrival and invite the lost and unconvinced to the party. Let me flatter you and not embarrass you along the way as a jr. hich girl at her first dance might.

Today we practice Dancing with God. Let me hear the symphony of your music, not the cacophony of mine. Let us dance to the same song. As in the movie "Dirty Dancing", remind me to watch your eyes and not our feet. The step of trust begins here. I trust you as my teacher. You lead as Lord of My Dance.

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