Flashback...

Remember in my last post how I "mentioned" I was going to Hawaii? Well I actually did go, and it was utterly amazing. I climbed muddy rainforest trails, saw the sun rise above the clouds at 10,000 feet on top of a volcano, drove the road to Hana, snorkeled, rested, ate out and ate in, re-met my cousin whom I had last seen when he was 6 months old (he's a grown up now:) took a helicopter ride around two islands some of which are not possible to navigate on foot, etc etc...I could go on and on because it was easily the most beautiful place in the world. I will throw in the fact that 85* and relatively no humidity adds tremendously to my opinion of its beauty. I would post pictures but my computer is completely full and nowhere to upload them to the hard drive so they are trapped in the camera for the moment, right next to the San Francisco ones with the kids..Anyhow as I languished in the sun, Marina was nearly 4 thousand miles away quietly developing a bladder infection, probably from incessant bubble baths that she LOVES so much. The symptoms started out being that she kept wetting her pants, but never complained. So there was the thought process that maybe she was upset that I had left. Finally it was clear that an antibiotic and trip to the doctor was in order. By the time I got home, got back into a routine and life began to rotate around in a circle again, the holiday weekend came this past weekend and it was evident from her high fever that this had all traveled into her kidneys and she was pretty sick. So sick that she was admitted to the hospital on wednesday afternoon this past week. This was one of those really hard journeys if you have to know the truth. It has never crossed my mind that we would be beside this child in any hospital anywhere. But there we were, the same size bed, the same angle on the tv, the same little cars that go by down below, when the world is not the same. The IV pump made the same beep and Marina had the same scared look part of the time she was there. She even had the same hospital pattern little kid gown that is open in the back. Tully went through most of her admission work and her iv placement but it was me who walked into the hospital room after work and realized that her vein had blown and the medicine had infiltrated her hand, blowing it up huge and getting cut off with the hospital band that HAD been a bracelet but was now damming up everything in her purple fat little fingers and HUGE hand. I probably over reacted like a mama bear but it didn't have much longer to go before that was going to turn into the primary problem rather than the secondary....foregoing all my memories of how to win friends and influence the medical staff, I walked in and began releasing that tension of reality meets history...Honestly the hospital was like crossing a forbidden line in the sand. That was then and this is now, and never the two shall meet. But over a simple bladder infection gone amuck, the past and present collided on what I thought was either holy ground or the doorstep to hell. It totally freaked me out. I have not slept for 4 days unless you count minutes rather than hours as sleep. Marina carried the weight of the world in this new environment. She braved 4 separate iv attempts and finally gave up and took the shot in the leg to stop the e-coli that was causing her so much pain. Marina was funny at times and sweet all the time and charming in between those times. Who might that remind me of? It was as if she had been schooled by the champ of all hospital visitors. I will stop here but the similarities between going to the hospital with Marina and going to the hospital with Caylyn were way too similar. I took the night shift and Tully and Evan headed home, Evan bawling because he NEVER gets to stay in the hospital.
We were released yesterday late afternoon and headed home singing our little heads off in the car. Leaving a hospital on a beautiful sunny day just has that effect I suppose especially since Marina was on the edge of too happy since she was released. I was tired and looking forward to going to bed early but Marina's fever was heading back up the Fahrenheit pole again. We fell into bed way later than I meant to and she was tired and restless. At two a.m. she woke up and started to cry a little. Then she began to cry alot. She was crying out something that sounded like Adonai over and over, and she was getting louder and louder, to the point of sobbing for nearly an hour.(Adonai is one of the Jewish names for God but I can't recall the significance of that particular name right now, though I do not think Marina speaks Hebrew you really never know with these kids). My heart was breaking and I was afraid she was still sick. Finally she put her little hands under her chin and balled them up and shook them saying in sign, that she was scared. Then she said SCARED!!! I scooped her so close, hugging her and pleaded with her not to be afraid. I do not know if she was afraid due to a dream or a memory of somewhere she has been before, or just the hospital in general, and I will likely never know. We walked to the living room and the dog was all around her checking on her...so Marina smiled at Kiki and made Kiki lay on the couch with her, and the scared went away. That was at 3:30 am. At 4:30 am the alarm went off for me to go to work. Its a wonder they did not send me home for being a total doofus all day but I got through work and all I know is that I will probably never get any better at the hospital visit thing, even though everyone was amazing at Mary Black Hospital and treated us over the top like royalty. I am going to artificially remove the grey hair from my root system now which grew probably an inch since tuesday as Evan asked 5000 questions in the last 48 hours regarding the difference of where Marina was in the hospital and the hospital where you go to die. Tully too, probably needs a bit of therapy as well, though as usual his hair looks fine. There is no other way to make this clear, it was very very scary, and I do Not want to go through ANY hospital stuff with any of my kids ever again. I love them entirely too much. Entirely. Usually writing in this blog makes me feel better, but maybe I will need a little more time to go past this. Thanks for letting me cyber-yak....and Marina is wonderful today. Evan is great too. God is gracious even when He tests us and I believe everything happens for a reason. I am thankful that He is real and ultimately in control of the whole shebang.

Please pray for everyone effected by 9-11, then and now. I was 6 months pregnant with Caylyn when that happened. Where were you? How has it changed us all? How much has changed in ten years. How very very much.

What the heck happened to summer???

My last post is heading into summer plans, and this one seems to be heading right back out again! Seriously, Marina and Evan start school in 2 weeks!! I can't imagine one child in the south even listens to their teacher before Labor day so why do we waste all those tax payer dollars???

It has been a wonderful summer except I truly admit I had to work too much. If it had not been for Mayfield and Holli and Forest (cousins, and Mayfield's girl friend) I am sure the kids would have had hardly any fun at all...but as it stands, they were busy as a one armed paper hanger! Those teenagers took those kids on more field trips and outings and swimming and to the icee stand up the road.....and to movies even! The fun hardly stopped. All the while I was working and slaving in the hot sun hoisting those heavy bags on to airplanes (why do suitcases weigh more in the summertime?? I am not kidding). When it was my turn to get in on the fun I booked a long weekend trip to San Francisco. Seriously, that is one of the coolest places to take kids and I had bought lots of tickets to fun things last christmas off of ebay so the trip was manageable financially (even restaurant coupons from restaurant.com!) The zoo is one of the best I have ever seen, small but extremely impressive!that in itself was an adventure that should be a kids book! Evan dropped his "lucky hat" into the gorilla compound... and the mama gorilla eventually threw it back out so her baby would stop licking all over it. Yes the lucky hat has been spit on by a baby gorilla, is that Lucky or what??? We hiked around in the redwood forest (Muir Woods), and then tried to justify playing in the ocean when it was 64* and raining, though they were not in the ocean exactly until Marina tripped over a large rock and literally fell in face first, then the race was on to see if Evan could get away with it too...Fisherman's wharf had a good marine aquarium (the touch pool with the little stingrays pretty much turned into a wading pool for Marina--she looked like I had dunked her in by her heels she was so soaking wet when we finally pried her away!) and then before we know it we ran out of time...I took the kids on a weekend that Tully could not go, so we invited Forest so I wouldn't be outnumbered. It was an extremely smart move on my part and he seemed to love the trip as well. It was kinda fun calling him up the night before we left and inviting him to California...he thought I was kidding...I told him to get a passport because who knew where we would go next time!!

Marina starts this next year of school in a newly implemented program called a trainable classroom, and we are happily familiar with the process as that is what Caylyn experienced in school and it served her beautifully. This will give Marina a great foundation of colors and numbers and lots of songs and books along the way to help with English and learning the alphabet. I am thrilled for her to be in this class of 5-7 year olds and Evan and Marina will now be in the same school together! He is happy about that as well and so am I. I feel like now I can let them ride the bus together, at least to see how it works out. Gas is too high to drive them and pick them up everyday anymore.

As you can see in the photos Marina has learned to swim...although you can't tell it is her because she is wearing Evan's bathing trunks...she seems to think they fit her better than a regular girl's bathing suit. I do agree the legs don't jam up her fanny so much but I can't seem to convince her she needs the top too...and furthermore it makes Evan insane that she raids his clothing dresser. He never has clean shorts he complains! I have been a bit disappointed because the girl has a load of precious clothes that she addresses with the term EW or YUCK. Sigh...guess those will be heading to consignment this fall. Or over to my sister's where her little girl is a diva in waiting.

Ok I am off to find some things for dinner, we are in for the day I think so if the kids ever wake up from a nap I better be ready for some hungry little bears! PAKA for now!

PS I am heading out to Hawaii with my parents and Mayfield and Holli in late August. Their reward for helping with the kids all summer included a)getting paid, and b) getting a buddy pass to somewhere, thank heaven they chose Hawaii. I invited myself to go with them...and no one said NO. I am really looking forward to some down time after this fast paced sweaty hot summer. Maui here we come!! Tully, enjoy those children:)

PS We just got back from PA this morning from a hard week of playing Tom Sawyer with Daddy/Tully. I will make that an individual posting when I am able to get hold of some really great photos from my MIL. That trip was really groovy and the kids had a blast doing some of the greatest summer things of all times, including tubing down a river and rope swinging into the creek as well as a 60 foot home made slip n slide...yep, it was all things Tom Sawyer, except we did not have to paint any fences. Since the camera ended up in the creek and Marina has stuck various things in my computer plugs and outlets, you will have to wait on the photos of that adventure, there is no way to upload them from my little memory card.

The Graduates and summer plans....

As I mentioned in my previous post, both kids are now considered first graders. The process varied greatly as Evan got a wonderful party and a cap and gown and a pomp and circumstance tune to march into the sanctuary to...and Marina got an IEP for next year and an end of school party for summer!! Most of the difference can be attributed to sending a child to private school I think, but this is the long version of why there is only graduation photos of Evan...

Marina and Evan started their summer officially by attending Kickin' kids Karate summer day camp and they are overwhelmed with the program of fun that is in place there! I truly think every town needs THIS kickin' kids to come in and show 'em how it is done! The kids are so happy and exhausted when I pick them up!! They go on a field trip nearly every day, whether it is to the bowling alley around the corner or to the library for summer exploration of reading, these kids are on the go! There will be swim trips and water parks, and indoor jump parks, etc. Not bragging here, well yes I am, but this was the find of the summer! They also have karate class 2 or 3 times a week. Somewhere I uploaded some photos from my phone but they may have gone into cyper space, as I cannot find them on line. I promise to take photos of them in their outfits (I am SURE Evan will school me in the proper name for that when he gets home today)and I can't wait to hear all about their day.

Last night was Marina's sleep study to measure her need for having her tonsils taken out. She was incredibly good and promptly fell over asleep, right on cue, when the last wire was glued to her hair...oh was that ever fun to dislodge this morning at 6 am! The test was conducted overnight and she flopped from one end of that twin bed to another! That poor tech must have come in to reattach Marina's wire leads at least 10 times last night. I did take Marina to my mom's this morning by 7 am to play beauty shop and all was near normal when we headed back out to go to summer camp an hour later. Evan had his first spend the night party and stayed with his cousin last night. He loved it and was really proud that he did not cry even one time. I was delighted as well! Now if I could convince myself that I have indeed actually had coffee today... I must have failed my own sleep study coz it feels like I missed several needed hours.

It has been near a hundred degrees every day this week with no end in sight. I will work 3 full days friday saturday and sunday at the airport. I try to say I love my job at least several times an hour as I am at work, because I do, but it is hard to remember with that much sweat drowning my contact lenses and burning my eyes. People do not pack less stuff in the summer, though logically they should! Tully works at a mill that caters to families tubing down the river on the weekends he does not come home, and I think we are due a ride ourselves real soon! I am sort of jealous I think:)

Life continues on a normal path which is always a bonus for us and we do not take it for granted ever. Marina is talking in sentences but she mixes it in with her version of Russian, so one really has to pay attention to hear her sneak in things like I like that, or brush my teeth, etc. The words are clear and sound alot like us, which puts her at the distinct disadvantage of being southern/russian. To that I can only say "Bless her heart!" She has come a long way in her 6 months of being one of us and we love her more each day. She still spits at me but hardly would even consider doing that to anyone else so she must love me the most:) I am definitely her GO TO Girl, and can heal all wounds with a can of aloe and a big hug and kiss, whether I see the boo boo or not.

We have signed up for swim lessons starting next week and they go for two weeks, 4 nights a week. Both kids will attend. Marina LOVES the water and can swim like a fish now that she figures out that she floats with her floater bathing suit and a life jacket on top of that. Heck she couldn't sink if she tried!! She is small enough for the suit, but whoever designed the suit did not consider how much "Marina" there can be packed in a small body, and she is heavy like mercury so she tends to sink just under her mouth line--not a working plan if you keep your mouth open all the time like she does. I LOVE this photo of her by the pool, she is soooo HOLLYWOOD!! She has also established that she is the biggest fan of Curious George and can dance like a maniac when the "song" comes on...life simply rages through this child.

I remember that I fought so hard and was delayed over and over again when I went through the battle of her paperwork. The spiritual warfare was nearly unbearable and I was nearly despondent alot of days. I remember praying for her safety and protection every single night of our delays, for a year and a half. I fought as hard for Marina as I fought for Caylyn and you who know me, know I gave everything I had to doing what we could to keep Caylyn with us. But I know that Caylyn is no more than a breath away from me and I am sure she is in a beautiful place and she is totally healed now...and I know that every one of those prayers to keep Marina safe resulted in her being transferred to a good orphanage that cared for her and gave her the foundation for being the Marina we love so much now. I believe that the Marina THEY acquired was a shell shocked broken little child who did not even speak at 4 and a half and had a fraction of the personality that was discovered lurking within this beautiful child. I can never say thank you enough to those who were part of those answered prayers to build this little powerhouse of joy.

I pray that more children are discovered and prayed for and brought home this year than ever before...and so far Reece's Rainbow is blowing away its collective records up to now. No child deserves to wither away in an ill funded life draining institution, No child. Those that are left there waiting, are on my heart today as I watched Marina bounce happily through the door of Kickin' kids and a group of older girls all went "Awwww, she's so CUUUTE!" and threw their arms around her. How different Marina's life turned out...how utterly different. She is so incredibly loved. I do believe Jesus loves the children so much, and it is our job to be those arms, until He comes back and uses them Himself. This story is one that makes a difference...and I am not writing it, I am only cast in the roll of me by One who is so much Greater and Awesome. I am utterly grateful for the hearts he has rescued from the shards of broken-ness 3 years ago. That would include this whole family, in addition to Marina. The definition of a miracle is when God does something so amazing that we simply cannot do ourselves. Marina being here and being her, fits that definition. We are grateful beyond words...

Who loves the dentis? Who loves the water park??

Seriously, Marina had an absolute blast at the dentist. Whodathunkit? She has 5 cavities but that is not very much damage in my opinion considering the number of times she probably has not brushed her teeth since she got them. Her bottom two teeth are her permanent ones and she is right on target so said the magic dentist. They will fill her teeth with a composit that has NO METALS in it ( I still and always will link Caylyn's mouthful of metal dental work to her leukemia-God can tell me if I am wrong when I see Him). Anyhow we will exercise caution with all the lessons we have learned along the way, our working parenting manual coupled with prayers morning noon and night. That's pretty much all I've got:)

We also found this really cool water park called Rays splash zone that the kids took me to in Charlotte NC for our mother's day blowout weekend. They had a total complete blast and it is a cool place--we got tickets from living social for half price and I am glad we got another set waiting in the wings for more fun sometime in the future. The next day (Mother's day) Evan wanted to go back...HA! 30 dollars in gas is not a donation I want to make twice in a weekend much less twice in 6 months! That was only half a tank...but I digress...anyhow we ended up at big lots and opted for the small splash zone pool. Now if I could convince Marina that bathing suits are not optional (she did wear one at Rays). I am grateful we live in the country. Tully is coming home this weekend and will surprise the kids tomorrow as we pick them up together from school in the afternoon. At 6:45 this morning Marina wanted to call daddy so I let her (He sure was surprised!) She signed and jabbered away about play and school, and then made this huge arch with her arm like COME ON! and said DADDY< HOME NOW! I think he went to hang up and pack a bag!

I took them to Monkey Joes blow up air zone indoor fun place yesterday because they were so good at the dentist, and had some energy to run out...and after playing for about ten minutes Marina found a lady who would let Marina play with the lady's little 7 month old baby which Marina did for nearly an hour. That little girl is destined to work in child care...she was so amazing with that baby! She is gentle and sweet and very in tune to a smile that has been returned to her...she about goes into orbit. The love and joy that expands in Marina almost daily should be a poster ad for adoption I am not kidding. I love when she crawls up in my lap and just lays her head down, or RUNS to greet her brother with huge hugs when we pick him up from school... she is feisty and bossy but she is also the most gentle soul. A fine and beautiful combination!

She and Evan will attend the local karate school day camp this summer, and they love that they will go to summer school together. ME TOO! Kickin' kids has a ton of things planned for the summer, and they will have way more fun than me working out on that hot tarmac at the airport:) By the way, both Marina and Evan will graduate kindergarten this year--and both will be in the first grade next year:) How cool is that? Marina will have to work very hard to keep her status in her appropriate grade but I have seen her determination...it shames mine, and mine is fierce:) Well I have bragged enough for the day, and am feeling all sappy about how much I love my kids, all of them, including the one I can't hug right now. Life turned out a little more amazing than I was expecting three years ago...from black and bottomless to filled with hope and flowers and laughter. There are still hollow moments but I do not let them in to steal anything from us, or from remembering Caylyn. I have to push sometimes to make that happen, but sorrow is not where I want my energy to go when there is so much left to do on this planet. And Caylyn deserves better than sorrow anyway, she is the fortunate one:)Yeah, being a mom rocks the planet in my book. And God keeps his promises. He turned my sorrow to joy. Psalm 126:5

All Amercian Girl:)

It has been too long since my last entry but boy, have we been busy! We have gone to Pennsylvania twice by plane, and planted a good sized garden. Marina and Evan have lots of end of year programs, and getting ready to attend Kickin' Kids summer day camp where those folks have got every single activity in the whole of South Carolina on their calendar! These two kiddos are going to have a blast this summer! Easter was so neat, and Marina figured out to hunt for the colored eggs hidden in the grass...candy is a motivator for nearly everyone in my family and she is no exception to that rule! She had an open house day where we could visit during her art class and the teacher was so kind to even let Evan participate in the project. So that is why Evan is in Marina's class photo...he goes to school an hour after she does so we had that time slot open for him to be with me.
Tully and I celebrated our 11th year anniversary this past friday night and we all went to a baseball game in Lancaster PA with Gramma Sue. It was sure cold compared to our beautiful southern spring, so we could not stay for the whole game, but Marina and Evan had hot dogs and popcorn and lemonade and cheered each time anyone hit the ball ( no team affiliation necessary:). This particular ball park had an amazing playground as well, so we finished up the night with a round of that big fun. The next day we met with a few of Tully's old buddies who brought kids to gramma sue's house and the best fun of all began to unravel! The kids who came were so cool, Wyatt is 5 and his sister Cara is 6 (nearly 7). Evan and Wyatt played in the creek and caught toads and hoped to catch minnows in the trap that they checked 68 times, and Cara and Marina wandered around hand in hand, chasing a stray cat and generally just happy in the sunshine. Finished up the day with a camp fire and the sun went down on tired children worn out from the tree swing on the hill. Huck Finn surely never had such a great day!
Marina and Evan are wonderful travelers and I am so grateful for that!

Coming up we have a general medical check up, and a trip to the dentist with both kids...dreading that day! (may 11th). Marina is learning her version of English in leaps and bounds. Ice cream is now at the top of the list, followed by "stop it mommy!" That probably is from putting the ice cream back in the freezer before the half gallon is either melted or empty...
She always gets her point across and is a master signer, whether it is ASL correct or not, it is so applicable to the subject matter that one is never left guessing what her point is. She has stopped calling us mama and dada and now calls us mommy and daddy, which is really sweet. That was something she just did on her own, nothing we asked of her. Our goal this month is for Evan and Marina to work on manners towards each other, they have gotten too much like brother and sister, now we have to back it up a bit and see if we can be more cordial like friends. It is off to a much better start than I was anticipating, which goes to show, make the standards high!

Evan asked me the other day why we picked Marina instead of any other kid and honestly, I hope I give him the best answer there is....because we simply let God pick her for us. She is a perfect fit for this family, and I could never take any credit for that. Life is normal, like I had always dreamed it would be...of course our sort of Normal is all over the page and not within the lines, which is just how we like it. I am looking forward to planning a long weekend heading to the beach sometime soon, either the west coast or maybe Puerto Rico. (I love free airfare.) After that, I will have to buckle down and work like crazy through the summer on all those vacation bids that I am to cover. Lots of coworkers say I will lose weight, that is a real bonus:) But something tells me its' going to be hot out there! My parents already opened their pool this year so that might have to be my stop on the way home from work alot of days...

Happy spring, summer on the horizon. Life is great! Simply amazingly great...

Lost in translation...

Oh Ms. Marina is coming along so nicely:) She utilizes what she knows, and continues as if it is the gospel...

Marina what are you doing with the Disney Magic wand toy? Why did you break the star off? Oh, it is now an airport scanner...well, who knew you never saw a magic wand in your life? You sure saw a lot of airport scanners though, huh?

Marina, why are you mashing your tongue down with my fingernail file? Oh, that is not a tongue depressor, it just looks the same...sort of. never had your nails done? Only been to the doctor, I see.

Um, Marina, you don't wear contact lenses...

Yes, Marina, you have a boo boo on your knee...why are you looking at me like that? It is called a band aid. Yes, it is pretty weird. Yes it hurts when you jerk it back off. Never saw a band aid before huh?

Marina, that is not a microphone, it is a water hose. Marina, that is not a microphone, that is a part of the badminton net...ok, yes it is. If you can sing that loud with that in your hand, it must be a microphone. I love your song, no one has one quite like you. Carry on Ms. Broadway.

Now I am on the receiving end of the flash cards. Mama?? Whatzis? multiply that question by 97 times...

She passes ladies at church and throws up her short fingered little hands and says HEY!, followed by "BYE!" all in 3 seconds. So friendly:) Out of 40 people in the airline line, she only hugged one man. Turns out he was the father of two adopted boys from Russia...could she have known this somehow?

Marina saw a picture of me holding Caylyn when Cay was maybe 7 months old and she got so excited! "Mama, look! You, Me!" Oh I wish I had been able to hold you as a baby Marina. But I had to wait til you were nearly 6. But if you can erase all that happened along the way and the time without a mama, and you THINK I held you as a baby, that is almost as good. Only remember the good things from before I came....and let go of the things that make you scream at your dolls and beat them with spatulas...and all the behaviors that make me wonder, what was your life like before I came? And what life is like for those in places that do not look like your good school, but maybe more like a baby house that had no patience? I can tell from your confidence that someone was good to you, and I can tell from your backed in the corner stormy dark eyed scared looks, that you encountered those who were not good to you as well. In time you will learn to trust enough to let your defenses down, and you may rest in my arms at night, knowing that no one will hurt you and that your life will be the best it can be, because we love you and work hard to make sure you know. Thank you for coming to our world and keeping us busy with such quality work...loving you and teaching you about all the things that matter. Love is a verb. We will show you. And I am sure that you will show us too, beautiful girl.

Today marks the big day that changed our world...

You might think that since this blog is about Marina (mostly) that today's post would be about her...and in a way it ends up there. But today is March 8th. And three years ago at 5:16 in the afternoon, Caylyn left. I think if the calendar was out of my sight I would still be able to tell you that today is different. The scar tears open alot on this day, every year so far. Because it still hurts so deeply in my heart for me not to be able to hold that little hand and look into her golden flecked eyes that always danced when she caught me looking at her with I love you in my eyes. In no short order, Caylyn changed the world. Not just my world. But alot of worlds around us...This is my nephew's college application summary on why he wants to go to Wofford to study pre-med. I had no idea how much his world had been changed.

"I didn’t expect to get this call. Not so soon. Caylyn had been sick for a while now, but it didn’t seem like this could be happening. She was
barely old enough to be in the first grade, let alone to be in a hospital bed, fighting with a respirator for every breath she took. I was
fourteen at the time, carefree and innocent, and wasn’t completely sure I was actually witnessing what I was witnessing. I had been at a
sleepover with a few of my friends the previous night, but then I got the call. It was seven o’clock and I wasn’t fully awake until I heard the
words, “Caylyn” and “come now.” I rushed over, pants halfway on, shirt wadded in hand, and I could feel the tension in the car on the way
to the hospital. “Caylyn’s special, you know that,” Mom kept repeating to me and my younger brother. I didn’t really know what was so
different about her. I didn’t think she was that different. Sure, she may have slurred her words, she may not have been able to verbalize
what she was thinking, and she had Down’s syndrome, but I didn’t think that made her different from any of the rest of my cousins. I didn’t
see her as a child with a disability, I saw her as family, as someone I would look after and help in whatever way I could.
The leukemia had obviously begun to win its battle with Caylyn. She began to lose her hair with the chemotherapy, and she gained a lot of
weight and retained a lot of water. I spent every spare moment with her I could—playing the games we used to play, putting on my “happy
face” to make her giggle. I guess I just didn’t understand the severity of the situation, because on that day, on the way to the hospital, Mom
seemed to think it was Caylyn’s last. Standing in a room with about ten of my family members, everyone was praying and begging for
healing for this precious baby girl. Caylyn’s dad, Uncle Tully, seemed not to care that I saw him cry for the first time. This was his
princess, his first born.
We huddled around her bed, wondering which minute would be the minute, and then we watched her go. Peace in her eyes, love in our
hearts, we stood by and allowed the doctor to turn off the respirator. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do—I almost threw myself
onto the machine, taking it upon myself to plug it back in and bring my baby cousin back to life. But there wouldn’t be any more games.
There wouldn’t be any more birthdays, more Christmases, with the child I knew as my friend.
I could barely sit through her “Celebration of Life” service. Yes, I know she’s in a better place, but at the time I couldn’t think of any place
better than right beside me. I can’t wait to see her again—to hold her in my arms, to hear her little voice, to see her as a true princess,
crown and everything, in front of a glorious king. But until that day comes, I’ll wait, educate anyone who asks about her life, and search for
a cure for her cause of death."

My sister in law went back to school and graduated on a different path than her original direction as well. She is in research for similar discoveries of a cure.

My mother in law works as an aid to SN children in school and home, making sure the parents have resources to better the world for their own children.

I have gotten so many emails over the years that we have had the privilege of being Caylyn's front line parents...that Cay made a difference to someone or some decision that someone was facing. I am pretty sure my mom has not gotten that many letters about me (that were positive about my impact on the world). Cay was and is a remarkable child...
she loved like Jesus, never cared about her hair, and skipped across the waters of heaven, leaving death with its mouth open. It may have taken her from me, but it released her into a freedom that she will never be burdened with this life again. You can't beat that for a long term sense of the way life should be. She is so close to the original Eden now I just know it. But I miss her very much. Today is hard. Because she loved like Jesus...and that is why Marina lives here. Because you can't watch someone love like Jesus, and not be affected in a life changing way. But I know in my heart that she is only a breath away, just a thin veil hangs between me and her, and it was made possible because Jesus is real and did exactly what He set out to do...not to condemn us but to bring us life abundant and set us free. Our life on earth is a battle ground, but life in heaven, well that is an entirely different playing field. And I know that I know that I know, it is real. Not out of a sense of desperation, but a sense of knowing that can't be disputed. And that has changed my life both here, and there. I am thankful God thought so highly of us to place her in our care. I Love you always, my first born. Mom